Grace.

I talked to my friend Jewish Atheist last night for a while. I should’ve gone into conducting the census or something. Or maybe doing surveys. Do most girls have guy friends they can ask all kinds of intrusive questions to in order to make sure that our relationship is not, in fact, any different than the next couple’s? I’ve been doing that a lot lately, and I’ve been figuring out the following things:

1. I’m pretty naïve. Mostly by choice.
2. Men jerk off because it feels good. It has nothing to do with the woman they love. They do it not because they’re unhappy in the relationship, but because they are happy.
3. When a guy is depressed, he isn’t as interested in sex. So masturbating isn’t as interesting either.
4. When a guy is depressed, he’ll still masturbate. Who am I kidding.
5. Pornography is prevalent in male society. It’s easily accessible, it’s free, and it’s consequence free. (Except that your computer suddenly starts to run really slowly and the nether-regions get a bit dry if proper lubrication isn’t used. Oh, and getting off to porn is really easy, so when a real woman is involved, you’ll be more likely to get lazy about pleasing her. Maybe I’m wrong? And it hurts the girlfriend’s feelings if you’re enjoying yourself without her there because it makes her feel insecure and ask things like, “Are these big enough?”And she’ll start doing things like buying new clothes, getting her hair done, etc. to get the guy’s attention so he thinks she’s actually different women, and thus a variety of vaginas.)
6. I think on some level porn is about objectifying a woman, any woman, I don’t even care what her face looks like, just put a bag over her head and take pictures of her genitalia, that’s all I really need to get off. No legs? Even better. Less to get in the way.
7. There are some women that qualify for being objectified, and some women that don’t really, but what the hell, she has a vagina, so that’s good enough, I guess I’ll do her just this once.
8. Ok, #7 wasn’t fair. Men don’t actually think when they jack off. They just do it. Sort of like taking a piss, or scratching their butts.
9. There are some women that are too pure to jack off to, so men compartmentalize their more creative desires for certain types of women. (I believe that's a dance on the fine line of objectifying a woman and thinking violently of her. Thinking of some women that way means that some women deserve certain things, and simply don't feel things the same way as other women. Like pain, perhaps. i.e. "She wanted it. She asked for it.")
10. After men indulge in porn, they thank their lucky stars that they have a good girl to sleep with each night, to keep them company, and to share life’s lonely moments. He just doesn’t realize that his indulgence made her love him a little bit less. He chose someone else over her in that compartmentalizing way (it’s got nothing to do with you sweety, wack wack wack, I just wanted this [i.e. not you right now])—that’s insulting. What else is she supposed to feel?

***

People get mean when it’s raining. A few days ago I heard a woman fall down some concrete steps and I didn’t actually see her fall. I just heard the noise. A heavy body makes a lot of noise. She was heavy, and I have to say it was the worst sound I’ve heard since my best friend ran over a dog backing out of a driveway. It was really terrible. Very soon after this lady’s body hit the steps in a thud-thud-plunk way, a large crowd gathered at the top of the stairs, and I came along at just the right time as I rounded the corner to be one of the first on-lookers. Meanwhile, the traffic jam of wet, tired people started snorting for me to get out of the way. The fallen calf—poor thing—lost her shoes, dropped her box of things (the kind of box you carry when you get fired), and sat embarrassed and drenched on the floor.

It’s been the first sunny day in San Francisco in weeks. I forgot how much I hate rain. The first week, I made it through with tennis shoes, figuring it would stop raining soon so why invest in a good umbrella, a rain jacket, boots? By week two, I gave up anyway. Even with waterproof shoes, you still end up getting soaked from head to toe. Schubert and I went to a Russian Festival today on Sutter St. We had some classic food—borscht (hearty tomato/beef soup), pilmeni (meat-filled dumplings), galubtzi (stuffed cabage) and some Napoleon cake (with cherries and cream). We listened to an a cappella quartet sing classic Russian songs (most of which I hadn’t heard before).

Random list of stuff about me:

1. It's been one year since I met Schubert. And it's been a better year than I could have hoped for.
   
2. I have found a permanent apartment in San Francisco with 3 great roommates (so far, that is). My things will be here in a few days from D.C. I can't wait to put stuff away, have books on my bookshelf, have a kitchen full of cookware and have my closet organized. Oh, and a fluffy, clean, comfy bed will be nice too.
3. I'm learning a lot at work.
4. Can anyone else corroborate that making friends in San Francisco is a lot easier than in D.C.?
5. When you make a wish before you blow out your birthday candles, how long do you remember that wish? Does anyone ever write it down, and then check a few months/years later to see if it came true?
6. Is it really true that if you tell someone your wish then it won't come true?
7. What brings me joy is doing something nice for someone I love. I like that about myself--that I can do nice things and really not expect the same things back. Maybe a good hug is all I ask for.
8. I'm going to a Russian Festival in San Francisco tomorrow. Should be interesting.
   
9. I love flowers!
10. And soft things.