Grace.

I quit my job today and accepted a new one in San Francisco. It’s the end of an era for me in D.C., as Kirsten noted, and I have to say that I’m happy to close this chapter of my life. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing an advice book for young women who’d found themselves in similar situations as me—moving to a new city with a guy, living with him, getting ditched, feeling lost, slowly recovering, learning how to make friends, growing sturdy survival legs, and moving on.

It’s sort of trite, but maybe it could make good material for some short stories.

List of Advice:

1. Unless you’re okay with endless dating, don’t live with the boy. Get your own place.
2. Don’t devote your time to his every need. Examples: Don’t sacrifice happy hours with your coworkers to go to his work events.
3. Don’t get involved in his family drama. As a follow-up, pay close attention to the relationships within his family. If they don’t sit well with you, take that as a predictor of your future together.
4. Reserve chunks of your life for yourself, like drawing a line in the sand which he can’t cross over. The hard part? Really meaning it. If you pick up painting, don’t paint and think, “I wish I was with him on the couch in front of the T.V.”
5. Don’t share finances, for the love of God. And don’t give out social security numbers.
6. When you feel you’re not being respected, believe that feeling.
7. Love is not hard. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to feel good, and you shouldn’t have to force yourself to like someone you should like naturally.
8. Sex is a huge indicator of how your relationship is fairing. If he’s lazy in bed, he’s lazy out of the bedroom. If he puts your pleasure second, he’ll put you second in other areas of your life together.
9. If you feel lonely while sitting with him with no distractions, something’s not right.
10. Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched—planning is great, don’t get me wrong, but planning the paint color on the walls of the house you haven’t bought together is bad news.
11. Keep your families apart until you’re engaged. There’s no reason for parents to become friends if you don’t even know how the relationship will turn out.
12. Don’t let your boyfriend’s mom treat you like a daughter. You don’t need another mom—you’ve got one already, like her or not.
13. Don’t let your boyfriend’s mom treat you like a daughter-in-law, since you’re not married to her son yet. Examples: shopping with her, and allowing her to question your style in clothing.
14. Make friends, the real kind. Call them, make plans, and follow through. Genuinely care. If you can’t genuinely care, take some time to figure out what’s wrong. Maybe all of your attention is being focused on one person?
15. Plan your life as if you were going to have to do it all alone. While this isn’t the best case scenario, it’s a contingency plan. Anything above that is gravy. As I’ve heard in a movie: “We come into this world alone and we die alone.”
16. Ladies, take your careers seriously. Divorce rate aside, desire to bare children aside, your job does matter. It affects your self esteem and from what I know of men, they love a strong woman. If the guy doesn’t appreciate that in you, re-evaluate why that may be. Does he feel threatened by you? Does he trust you without feeling like he has to bribe you to stay? Does he insist on earning more than you? Is he more competitive with you than encouraging regarding salaries?
17. Negotiate the job offers you get. A disproportionate number of men negotiate compared with women. Don’t be afraid of seeming like a bitch—this is your time you’re being compensated for. It’s your future, and if you’re planning like you’ll be doing it alone, salary starts to matter more.
18. No body owes you anything. If you were privileged growing up, don’t think that’s how things are supposed to be. If you want something, go out there and get it. Don’t expect people to hand you anything.
19. Stop leaching off your parents. It’s one thing if you need a place to stay when something goes wrong, or if you’re between leases, but don’t depend on them to bail you out. Remember: live life like you’re doing it alone. It builds strong legs to stand on.
20. If your goal is to get married, raise a family, and move forward in developing your relationship with your significant other, share that from the outset of a relationship. Once it’s out there, stick to your guns and be ready to leave if your instinct tells you it’s not going to happen. This is why #15 is important. You’ll be more likely to survive a break up if you feel you can take care of yourself no matter what.