Why Porn Hurts
I talked to my friend Jewish Atheist last night for a while. I should’ve gone into conducting the census or something. Or maybe doing surveys. Do most girls have guy friends they can ask all kinds of intrusive questions to in order to make sure that our relationship is not, in fact, any different than the next couple’s? I’ve been doing that a lot lately, and I’ve been figuring out the following things:
- I’m pretty naïve. Mostly by choice.
- Men jerk off because it feels good. It has nothing to do with the woman they love. They do it not because they’re unhappy in the relationship, but because they are happy.
- When a guy is depressed, he isn’t as interested in sex. So masturbating isn’t as interesting either.
- When a guy is depressed, he’ll still masturbate. Who am I kidding.
- Pornography is prevalent in male society. It’s easily accessible, it’s free, and it’s consequence free. (Except that your computer suddenly starts to run really slowly and the nether-regions get a bit dry if proper lubrication isn’t used. Oh, and getting off to porn is really easy, so when a real woman is involved, you’ll be more likely to get lazy about pleasing her. Maybe I’m wrong? And it hurts the girlfriend’s feelings if you’re enjoying yourself without her there because it makes her feel insecure and ask things like, “Are these big enough?”And she’ll start doing things like buying new clothes, getting her hair done, etc. to get the guy’s attention so he thinks she’s actually different women, and thus a variety of vaginas.)
- I think on some level porn is about objectifying a woman, any woman, I don’t even care what her face looks like, just put a bag over her head and take pictures of her genitalia, that’s all I really need to get off. No legs? Even better. Less to get in the way.
- There are some women that qualify for being objectified, and some women that don’t really, but what the hell, she has a vagina, so that’s good enough, I guess I’ll do her just this once.
- Ok, #7 wasn’t fair. Men don’t actually think when they jack off. They just do it. Sort of like taking a piss, or scratching their butts.
- There are some women that are too pure to jack off to, so men compartmentalize their more creative desires for certain types of women. (I believe that's a dance on the fine line of objectifying a woman and thinking violently of her. Thinking of some women that way means that some women deserve certain things, and simply don't feel things the same way as other women. Like pain, perhaps. i.e. "She wanted it. She asked for it.")
- After men indulge in porn, they thank their lucky stars that they have a good girl to sleep with each night, to keep them company, and to share life’s lonely moments. He just doesn’t realize that his indulgence made her love him a little bit less. He chose someone else over her in that compartmentalizing way (it’s got nothing to do with you sweety, wack wack wack, I just wanted this [i.e. not you right now])—that’s insulting. What else is she supposed to feel?
***
People get mean when it’s raining. A few days ago I heard a woman fall down some concrete steps and I didn’t actually see her fall. I just heard the noise. A heavy body makes a lot of noise. She was heavy, and I have to say it was the worst sound I’ve heard since my best friend ran over a dog backing out of a driveway. It was really terrible. Very soon after this lady’s body hit the steps in a thud-thud-plunk way, a large crowd gathered at the top of the stairs, and I came along at just the right time as I rounded the corner to be one of the first on-lookers. Meanwhile, the traffic jam of wet, tired people started snorting for me to get out of the way. The fallen calf—poor thing—lost her shoes, dropped her box of things (the kind of box you carry when you get fired), and sat embarrassed and drenched on the floor.
It’s been the first sunny day in San Francisco in weeks. I forgot how much I hate rain. The first week, I made it through with tennis shoes, figuring it would stop raining soon so why invest in a good umbrella, a rain jacket, boots? By week two, I gave up anyway. Even with waterproof shoes, you still end up getting soaked from head to toe. Schubert and I went to a Russian Festival today on Sutter St. We had some classic food—borscht (hearty tomato/beef soup), pilmeni (meat-filled dumplings), galubtzi (stuffed cabage) and some Napoleon cake (with cherries and cream). We listened to an a cappella quartet sing classic Russian songs (most of which I hadn’t heard before).
Marina Grace
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To open with, I respect the fact that porn's presence in a relationship hurts emotionally. There's nothing that can be done about that, nor should there be. I would like to talk about some of the reasons behind why men and women work differently. The reason I wanted to start out with a statement of respect for emotions and the mind is that I believe a lot of the issue results from straight up biology. In no way do I intend to trivialize the importance of psychology in presenting it thusly. I'm talking really primordial, base-of-the-spine reptilian brain stuff here.
Men have a vested biological interest in being active with many women because their reproductive system is capable of restocking itself quickly and propagating its genetics efficiently. If the man is fertile, which is assumed in his psychology unless proven otherwise, the limitation on his genetic propagation is only dependent on women because...
Women have a pregnancy lasting 9 months, during which time the man cannot impregnate the woman. The man can, however, impregnate other women.
The man seeks certain qualities in a woman that make her an ideal child-bearing choice, not only for the physical purpose of pregnancy and birth, but also for the other properties that make someone's DNA desirable: intelligence, humor (so that the child can woo its own mates), etc.
Men are looking for women who have these qualities in and of themselves. The man must a) find a mate with the right qualities and b) ensure that the woman is healthy enough to bear the child. This produces a very immediate need in sexuality as neither of these are very long-term requirements this day and age. In other words - the man doesn't necessarily need to stick around for these requirements to be met. This explains the man's short-term perspective on sexuality.
Women, on the other hand, have a potentially more complex task. The woman needs to find a mate that can help provide for her and the child with resources, protection, and emotional stability. These are all long-term needs over the course of raising the child. The psychological difference results from this fact: the woman always knows that her DNA is in the child but the man can never be sure.
The worst thing that can happen in a relationship for a man is for the woman to have an affair with another man because the man is no longer certain that the other man hasn't impregnated her. From a biological perspective, the man does not want to provide for the woman and child unless he is sure the child is his. Men have a harder time recovering from affairs than women do. The worst thing for a woman, on the other hand, is for the man to stop loving her. Even if the man has an affair with another woman, he will always return to his mate if he loves her. Love is a vote of long-term confidence. In counseling after an affair, the woman can often recover if the man can show that he still loves her. This is because the woman knows that he will continue to provide for her and her offspring.
Men will never stop thinking about other women. If a man claims that he doesn't think about other women he is flat-out lying. The fact that the man mentions these feelings would be a healthy indication that he has resolved this impulse with his sense of commitment, his love for the woman. Porn that is out in the open can be the same sort of thing. If it is out in the open, it is more likely to be a healthy sign for the woman. If it is hidden, it is more dangerous because his hiding the impulses means that he has not resolved the two and he is afraid to commit his insecurity to the woman's scrupulation (looks like that's not a word... eh). This is more hurtful because uncommitted emotions mean a potential 'love gap' for the woman.
A woman will be hurt by the man's use of porn because it somehow might mean that he is less committed. If the man confirms his impulses and also reaffirms his love, it should be taken as a good sign. If he can demonstrate love despite the porn, it'll be more likely to be healthy.
A man will less likely to be hurt by the woman using porn because he knows she will not be impregnated by it. In fact, the evidence of desire may be erotic if the woman can still demonstrate a sexual need for the man. But if the woman talks about or messes around with other physical men... watch out. If the woman stops responding sexually, the man's male instinct may feel that the woman is being satisfied by another man. If the woman can demonstrate sexual appetite for him despite the porn, it'll be more likely to be healthy.
Talking about biology on its own sometimes inspires people to play the 'sexist' card. This happens if biological statements are interpreted intellectually. The simplicity of biological statements does not describe a whole human being, just a fragment of one. Intellectuality depends on biology as a foundation and, therefore, adds another level of complexity that is not present in biology. Sexism is an intellectual concept, so it shouldn't be used as a benchmark for biological statements. I'm ignoring a whole host of critical emotional, intellectual, and spiritual essence in this post.